Yeah, I've had a really busy, crazy, intense semester and didn't have enough time write on this thingy. So here's an update on my life in the last 6 months, hahaha...

-I went back to school for the Spring semester and added a minor in Education. Now I’m actually looking to add a second major, Psychology with a concentration in Neurology along with my original major of Biology. I’m going to graduate on time, too (yeah, I’ll be a pretty busy kid!). I can take it though because my GPA was 3.71 last semester, and in 1 semester I brought my cumulative GPA up by 1.6 so I'm no longer on probation…no, I’m not proud at all…haha :-D Ugh, I love feeling academically inclined, lol…3.71!!!!!!
-Chris and I ended 2 days after moving back to school. God, that seems so long ago. Well, not even my closest friends knew we were back together in the first place. Just for clarification because I’ve never really told anyone before, the basic timeline was as follows, lol - we dated for a month last spring, then I broke it off because I liked someone else more (haha, opps)…then I got over that guy and we started dating again about a month after (May-ish???). I broke it off again in August. It was a really rough situation when we were on a break, but we got back together in November and finally ended it (for real this time) in early February. I kept it a secret for so long because I guess I was ashamed that I went back with him. Honestly, I wasn't even planning to because I knew he was seeing Rachel last fall. He adamantly denied this, but I had heard from everyone that they were going on dates and canoodeling and what not, so I cut him off when I knew he was lying to me again. It just kind of happened unexpectedly, though. I didn't tell anyone we were dating because I saw the amount of flack Rachel got when she started seeing him in October (even though it was just for like 5 days) and all the warnings Nicole got too, although that was more recent. No one wants to be subjected to that, and I knew people would never let me live it down...but I should have taken their advice because it ended really (really, really) badly. Here’s the best part. After it finally ended I was way out of my element, my friends would ask what was wrong...I’d tell them the whole story (the real, whole story) and they were there for me 100%. It was very unexpected. I thought I would get the “I told you so,” or even worse “Why did you lie to me???!” But no. I never once heard anything negative, I only had support and people telling me that I deserved better. Not even Keith, who watched me go back to him after last summer, pulled the "How can you have been so stupid to go back after he's done so much, and you had to have known your entire relationship was based on his lies..." My friends are something else, I really don’t know why they even associate themselves with me. I try to be a better person every day, but there is no comparison between me and the people I love, they’re just amazing.
-It ended up being a really good thing because then I started hanging out with Keith in an “I’m not with Chris anymore” kind of way right after Spring Break. It was very off-and-on for a while, but I’m really happy where I am now. My life was so fucked up for a long time, but now it’s pretty normal. I’m still wild, but my love life isn’t, so that’s a good thing :-D And I've never really met a guy who can keep up with me and my life, but Keith can so far, so we're good :-D
-It’s summer and the weather is beautiful. Well, ok…it’s actually 95 and miserably hot, but I love summer so it’s all good! I might be getting a second horse soon. We’ll see. Honestly, the biggest issue is Italy. I want to study abroad in Italy so incredibly bad. It's a long story, but I've always wanted to go there. A lot of things are holding me back, though. I don’t know where I would put Bailey if I went halfway across the world for 5 months. I just don’t know. I need another horse, Bailey is getting too old to do the things I’m asking of him. But if I get another guy there’s no way I’ll ever be able to study in Italy. I'm not selling Bailey because I promised I would give him a good home, and I'm staying true to my word. He deserves this after giving me so much. I guess I’ll have to just take the summer to figure it out.

So I think those are all the major things that have happened in the last 6 months. Grades are much better, Keith and I are swell, and Bailey is happy that he might be retiring soon, haha! It was a really rough 6 months...I lost over 20 pounds and went from a size 12 to 6 in one semester just because of all the stress/drama that seems to follow me around, but I'm gaining some of it back now ;) All in all, though, it turned out to be more than ok in the end :-)

So even though life is kind of amazing right now, I'm feeling meh lately. I just went on some new antibiotics which kick the shit outta me and make me wanna sleep all day. Oh by the way, I have pneumonia...and I've had it for about a month, apparently. So at least the good news is that it should be getting better soon. But yeah, I woke up eeeeaaarly Sunday am and couldn't breathe. My parents came downstairs and wanted to call 911, but I just told them to bring me to the emergency room. I could kind of breath but it hurt a lot and I sounded like I was dying. I must have looked like it too because they took me in immediately. I felt bad cuz there were people who had been waiting, but the nurse said they had to treat breathing problems as a life/death situation. Emergency rooms arent fun...and they smell odd, too.

My cat ran away Thursday. Well, scratch that...my mom let him out late at night and he never came home. I've always told her not to do that, animals roam around at night and we've had a few black bear sightings. But even if he outran a bear...there's still coyotes, fox's, dogs...yeah. And its getting really cold at night. It's just shitty cuz I've had that cat since I was 6. He was my first real cat...I had a foster cat before him but that doesnt count, haha.

So yeah, on one side I'm really happy about life...but on the other I'm tired all day and when I'm not tired I'm worried about Sam. *sigh*

So so sooooo much has happened in the last few weeks, and I feel like I've been neglecting my friends :-( I'm sorry guys!!! I love and miss every one of you!!!1!! :-D

For starters I've been remodeling my life a bit...and also my room at home ;)...so far both have been going well. My room is bright orange with deep purple and gold accents. I even finished painting my horse trailer, I was that ambitious. One negative was that with all my painting, my dad was inspired enough to paint the trim on the house. Blue. Dark-ish blue. Yuck!

On the remodeling-of-my-life side of things, I just got my grade back from my incomplete for my Child Development class tonight...and I got an A on the paper, with an A- for the course. Yeah, I was so stupid last semester because I did really well in the class, but just didn't turn one paper in. SO the proff gave me an incomplete, which was a 0 for a three-credit course calculated into my GPA. If I had just gotten in that one stupid paper, and had a decent grade, I may not have been kicked out for fall semester. But, live and learn, eh? So happy that whole thing worked out though! The last thing I needed was an F on my transcript.

Oh, and I cut my hair and now have bangs! It's posh, as Cady from work put it ;)

NYC for new years, hopefully!!! Then...learning how to snowboard over winter break!! aslfnafhkjnanflhfrhldfjhlakjfljfoiefijefnclkaclnweur22837423749yrqedflamdlamdlan SO EXCITED! I saw Ine for her birthday weekend!! We've both been so busy with work and all that we hadn't seen each other in a months...that's the longest time we've ever been apart...it was truly heart-breaking, haha! I just wish I wasn't sick over the weekend, it woulda made things much more fun :-D buuut I did get to see her boy...and I very much approve! Will definitely be seeing her again this week!!!

Baylee has officially been moved to Settlement Farm in Townsend and will be staying there until spring semester. I missed having him so close to home!!! When I stay in Dover he lives on the farm with me, and that's prolly one of the reasons why summer's are so amazing and I can't wait for this one to come (annnnd I cant believe last summer was 5 months ago! All that stuff still feels like yesterday!). But yeah, Dover is only for 3 months a year...for the other 9 he's boarded about 25 mins away from me :-\ and I only get to see him *maybe* three times a week because of school obligations and what not. SO...very excited to have him within 10 mins of the house again (5 minutes if it's really early in the AM and I can get away with doing 50 on the back roads)! And apparently Baylee's happy too, since I get to play with him every day now...it's super-duper convienent because I just drive straight to the barn right after working at dover saddlery in Littleton...ugh, I love being able to see him so often!!!

Um, so speaking about love, haha. Let's just say I'm in a really good place right now. I know last month I said I was about ready to become a lesbian, because that was how much I hated boys...they're great friends, but once you throw the "you're-cool-wanna-hang-out" into the equation...forget it. But things have done a complete 180 :-D Really, really good times are to come...buuut I never kiss and tell so the end.

So I was house-sitting last week/weekend and although I did a pretty good job, Saturday was basically the day from hell. So this woman was volunteering at Equine Affair and needed someone to care for her horses (she has a new filly and she’s sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!), cat, and keep an eye on the house for a few. And this woman and her family are literally some of the nicest people I know!!!!

Sat AM I got up and cooked pancakes, eggs, and toast. Wellllll, thank god I was standing in the kitchen cooking the eggs, because yeah….I turned around and the toaster oven caught fire. And by fire I mean flames were coming out of the front door. I grabbed a towel and and took it outside to extinguish. Mind you, it was still on fire a little bit when I put it out back. Let’s just say the horse’s didn’t quite understand why there were small flames coming out of a big white box in the backyard. Anyway, I went back inside later and the kitchen was filled with smoke. And ok I’ll admit it…I’ve done this in my house once or twice before and the fire alarm usually goes off. All you have to do is unplug it for a little bit, air the kitchen out...no harm done. Welllllll, these people had ADT, so if the fire alarm goes off, I’m pretty sure the police & fire department will be alerted…Calling Karen (house owner) and worrying the bejeezus outta her. Even though there is a little bit of reason to worry when one’s house almost burns down, the operative word in that sentence is ALMOST. Hahaha…ok, maybe not, but I’m tryin to look at the bright side. ;) Anywho, I was pretty friggin positive the alarm would go off, but by some weird circumstance they didn't. Life-changing-crisis #1 averted. Oh, and afterward I made sure to tell Karen about how her toaster oven will burn the house down if it gets turned on again. Her response, "yeah, I know, that's why we keep it unplugged and only use it for 2 minutes at a time." Ummmm, don't you think it's a lot easier to just get a new oven?!?!?!???

That night, I was driving home from work. It was dark, I was in Townsend and the road was wicked narrow/windy. And ok, I was sorta speeding too. Anyway, a dog ran out into the middle of the road and I swerved to avoid him. Then his brother ran out behind him, and luckily I broke enough to have only been going about 5 mph. But I still hit him nonetheless, even if only at 5 mph. Pulled over, got out, freaked out…I don’t really remember which order any of that was in. The owners were in the driveway, and I felt soooooo bad. When I was 10 I had to watch my collie <Oscar Meyer Weener3 get hit by a van. He got loose and ran out into the middle of the road, and we live on a bend so the van didn’t have enough time to stop. Oscar was fine, but I can’t describe how sickening it was to see that! So, I got out, babbled some sort of incoherent apology…and the dog was running around me in circles this whole time. Haha, he was totally fine, and the owner was too. In fact, he didn’t even seem to care, really. I thought that was sad later on, when thinking about it…but at least the whole situation ended well. So then on the same drive home I was in Ayer, there’s this fork in the road by Tiny's. I was coming out of the fork and looked over my shoulder just to double check that no one was coming. This kid in black clothes was riding his bike at night with no reflectors...and he saw me, cut me off thinking he had time to get in front of me, but really I only missed him by inches. Ugh…..funnnn. How bad is that when you almost hit two things on the drive home??? And by the way, I'm actually a good driver and last summer would drive basically all over the state of MA in a day with no problem (ohhhh, the adventure's of Ine and Aya)! This really was just a coincidence, I feel. So then I get to Karen’s and can't find their cat. And usually she comes running for dinner, well, correction: it’s more of a wobble/waddle, shes’s so fat, haha. But yeah, then I thought that while running outside with the toaster oven I left the back door open. And she’s always been an indoor cat. ughhhhhh...Finally, like 30 mins later, I found her sleeping in the closet. Ugh, cats!!! “So, uh, Karen, I kind of, uh, lost libby…” Not a sentence I want to say! At all! So yeah, hahaha, I was just thinking of this day earlier. One crisis just causing another and another…And how someone up there was like “Hey, this Bre chick seemed to have a decent life. Let’s fuck with it!” Well, at least I can say that living with me would never, ever, in a million years be boring. I love being me!!!! :-D However neurotic, quirky, or just plain crazy that may be!!!

My dad called me a whore to my face tonight. Then mom told me not to sleep in anyone else's bed because that's asking for it and is exactly what got me in this situation...

So I guess I'll start from the beginning. I told my parents about the whole chris thing a while ago...except I didn't tell them everything, just that he did something really bad and that it really sucked to be on the other end of things. I was afraid my dad would literally find him and kill him if he knew everything. And the pops doesnt need murder charges...so I figured I'd protect them from knowing the whole truth. Well, exactly a week ago I was on the phone with them and was really stressed, and everything just came out. I told them the whole story, they deserved to know exactly why I wasnt sleeping at night and have been kinda bitchy lately... And after telling them, I felt like things were gunna get a lot easier because I would be able to go to them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they've been amazing throughout all this and I feel like I can never repay them back. I know I haven't been the easiest person to deal with lately, haha. So for those people who've stuck with me through all of this, I love you!!! I really mean that!!! Girls, you have been what's kept me going, I don't know where or who I would be without ya'll! And guys...actually guy (yeah, I only have one really close guy friend, haha, but he makes up for it in amazin'ness), you've reminded me that not all men are terrible! Annnnnd your hugs are a drug, haha...I love every one of you!!!!!

Sometimes, though, the thing that puts a smile on your face is moms comfort and dads threat to hire a hitman and kill him ;) But I felt a lot better by telling the parents and figured I'd have two people to turn to in the middle of the night when it's entirely too late to call a friend...

Eh, I was kinda wrong.

I didn't factor in that my parents are probably the most conservative people out there. And over the past year, they've heard about me pig-piling into more than a couple beds (we've fit up to 4 people before!)...making a lot friends...and occasionally making out with said "friends," haha. But really, it's just the normal day-to-day at the zoo. Wellllll, they didn't take it that way...I guess they think I'm too friendly, flirty, and promiscuous. Funny thing though, I was a virgin until the whole chris thing happened, and I had never kissed a guy before going to Umass...nope, never, not once. I was the most innocent kid goin, hahaha. And they know this! So, too flirty????!! No, don't think so...But apparently my parents do, especially dad. And since telling them everything, they haven't talked to me about it once. Never comforted, consoled, or even asked about it. It's as if it never even happened. I mean, I know they weren't expecting this, I know I threw a lot at them all at once, but that's a little cold.

So I was lying down on the couch tonight, and my laptop was on my lap...that's why its called a laptop ;) And I kinda dozed off for a sec, and dad grabbed the lappy and started yellin about how I dont care for it well enough. Okokok, maybe I dont, but I kinda told him to go away and that it was perfectly safe being on the couch. Ummmm, somehow we both got into a heated arguement about how it's his house and I have to live by his rules...ok, wasn't aware that I was 16 again, but whatever. Mind you my dad and I both have huge tempers and have been known to argue :-\ but usually it's just some harmless yelling, we've never actually called one another any terrible names or whatever. But yeah, out of the blue, dad goes "THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH, YOU LITTLE WHORE!" I prolly looked like I just got smacked across the face. Yes, we argue a lot, but we never call names, ever, and I have never heard that word come out of his mouth...and he meant it. And just by the way he's acted the past few days, ignoring everything I told him last friday and not even trying to comfort or talk to me about it....he thinks it's just as much my fault as it is chris'. So I rolled over, pulled the blanket over my head, and kinda sobbed, then really sobbed, then sobbed some more. Um hi, your daughter, the girl who has NEVER cried in front of you past the age of 13 is sobbing...the girl who, even as a baby, people would go "she hardly ever cries"...yeah, shes a watershow right now, maybe you should comfort her? Both parents were in the room, they could clearly hear me, and I swear could care less. Didn't even acknowledge that I was crying. So I decided I didnt wanna stay there...grabbed my keys (but somehow managed to forget my shoes) and drove off. Shoeless and licenseless :-O whatevs...anyway, drove around for 2 hours...entirely too fast for safety...talked to a love and then talked to another love after somehow ending up at her house, haha. Mom called while I was there and I was enough of a sucker to answer. She asked me to come home. I told her I was stayin with a friend and would be back when I felt like it...kinda bitchy but I really didn't care at the time. Um, so here's the icing...mom goes "just don't sleep in anyone else's bed, because that's exactly what got you here in the first place." I asked her what that was supposed to mean. She replied "I don't want to talk to you about this now, you just can't share beds anymore because that's asking for it, that's why you're in the position that you're in." Ummmm, I asked for it?!?! I'm in this position because I share too many beds? Did my parents just imply that I sleep around? Yeah, they definitely think that chris doing what he did was just as much myyyyy fault as it was his. It was my fault for being too flirty, it was my fault for getting into a position like that, it was my fault for not defending myself. My dad's said before that if I can manage some of the horses that I work with (let's be honest, some of them are 1200 pounds of "I want to run and buck and play" haha), that I can deal with any guy who would ever attack me. Hey dad, that's NOT true, I feel as though if a guy the size of tom brady attacked me, he'd win. Just a hunch... But that's the thing, though, chris never attacked me, it wasnt violent at all...there was no hitting, screaming, or violence of any kind. He just kept going after I said no 9 times. He actually didnt acknowledge me at all...it was like he couldn't even hear me. Anyway, I know it's NOT my fault, nothing I could have done would have prevented an uninvited person from taking something that wasn't his. But apparently my parents think I'm a whore and that by sharing a bed with someone, I went and got myself into the situation that I'm in now. Grrrreeeaaaatttt....

How did I come out of them? What happened? I don't even look like them! And cassie, who had to live with them for a weekend while we were on nantucket, has even said that I'm nothing like my parents. At all. She honestly considered the idea that I was adopted when she first met them. I don't act or look like them, we don't even share little mannerisms that most families do. Like honestly, how am I the product of them??? They're my parents, and I love them (just not right now), but sometimes they can be the most insensitive, uncaring, arrogant people I know. And I'm super-sensitive, almost too caring, and modest. Please, explain this to me...

Its my birthday! Cant wait to go to Amherst tonight and see everyone...ohmahgawd im soooo excited! OK, gotta go get ready for work (yeah, workin on my bday, it sucks) and then goin to cassies and then amherst! Hopefully Ill see yall at some point this weekend :-D :-D :-D

So

A lot has happened in the past two days

And I like it :-D

So I had a really crappy weekend and was really down. Monday came around I was still in a “screw you” mood. I even blew up at my parents, who were just trying to help :-\ Yeah I know, booo to me.

But I’ve talked to some really good friends lately (one of which I haven’t talked to since band camp and miss soooooo much!) and they gave me really good advice. Or, they just let me talk and get it all out. And I didn’t even cry, haha. But I think I’m really starting to move on. I could care less about everything that's gone on lately, do whatever you want, screw whoever you want, just don’t expect me to be there for ya later on. But all in all, I’m really happy about how the situation is turning out, movin onnnnn!

And I got more hours at Settlement. There’s a few grand prix dressage riders there, which is nice, really really nice! You don’t even have to be working but you can still learn things….just by watching them. My boss is a GP rider and judge…she’s basically amazing and I love it there! And I got a very part-time teaching job with kids and teenagers, it’s only a few hours a week, but it’s teaching :-D

AND IT'S ALMOST MY BIRTHDAY!!! Spending the weekend in Amherst!!!

I have to go like now, but I just waned to say that if you’re going through a crappy time, it’ll get better. Promise! Just keep doing what you love and movin along…plus, you always have me ;) haha. But seriously though, it’ll get better soon, just stick with it

So I have a question...when a girl says "don't call me" does that secretly encode a "hey, I really don't want you to call me for a day, but after 24 hours has passed you can contact me as much as possible?" No, no it doesn't. Ugh, I was so mad when that happened yesterday...and the part that infuriates me is when he's all "I love you I love you I love you." Hey asshole, you're the reason why I'm in this mess remember?

So I talked to Cassie last night...and not even about Chris, we were talking about something completely different. But it was good because it made me realize that things are in the past. In fact, a lot of thing are in the past. I have 19 years of "things in the past," and I'm never going to get any of them back. Ever. I mean for the most part friends and family stick around. But even some of them have gone. Family members die or change so drastically that things just aren't the same anymore. Friends move on and find new people to hang out with. But you can never change anything, no matter how horrible it may have been. Kinda sucks, but at the same time I'm realizing that all I can do is move on. I can't dwaddle (yeah, I said dwaddle) about it or be bitter...anyone who knows me knows I'm not a bitter person. Yeah, I had my share of "I want to kill Christopher I'm-a-fucking-douchebag Michael Pereira" moments, and to be honest I'm sure I will still have a few. I mean, this is something that will always make me feel icky inside when I stop to think about it. But at the same time I've always been the type of person that rolls with the punches and takes the good with the bad. Like, I'd have a bad day, swear at the world about it, maybe even scream and yell (screaming and yelling always helps), but the next day I'd be okay and probably wouldn't even focus on it too much. But I've been down about this forever, and I've just been giving people that automated response of "yeah, I'm fine," so I wouldn't have to think about it. And I can't do that anymore, it's been destroying me. I'm not myself anymore...just not that smiley, playful, funny, obnoxiously cheerful person these days. Not to say that I was always those things before, but I mean I was human and I had my good days and bad days. More good than bad, actually. But lately I've been either blah or just plain distant because I was mad at the world. And I cannnnnt to it anymore...

So, I can't say that I'm done with Chris because let's be honest, he basically stalks me. I mean, I've said time and time again that I'm done with him, and literally an hour later he calls or ims me or whatever. And yeah, sometimes I ignore him (ok, maybe more than sometimes) but he'll just call 6 times until I pick up. Possessive much? Yeaaaa. But I can say that I'm done concentrating on what happened in the past and being bitter and hateful about it. I'm even going to try not to think of it as being my fault or that I'm the dumbest most naive girl in the world for falling for all of his bullshit. Going to try at least, cuz yeah...that's been a big one lately especially after last weekend and after finding out about cait and yeah. That kids got quite a history. But I'm done being completely depressed about it. I'm sure it'll bother me once in a while, ok maybe more than once and a while. But I'm finished letting it ruin my entire day, weekend, week, life. Fuck him, fuck the things he did to me, fuck the things he's done to other girls, and just plain fuck all assholes that are just like him. But there's nothing more I can do other than say I've learned from my mistakes.

And after all your friends went home
You came down, you looked around
And you were not the same after that
You were not the same after that

You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies
They come knocking at your door with this look in their eyes
You've got one good trick and you're hanging on you're hanging on...

You took the word and made it heard
And eased the people's pain and for that
You were idolised, immortalised
And you were not the same after that

Walking tall, you'd bought it all
And you were not the same after that
Till someone died on the waterslide
And you were not the same after that
You were not the same after that

You see 'em drop like flies from the bright sunny skies
They come knocking at your door with this look in their eyes
You've got one good trick and you're hanging on you're hanging on

You're hanging on, you're hanging on...

So yeah, a lot has changed lately and I dunno how I feel about that, haha. Summer’s ended, and even though it had some major ups and downs, I wasn’t ready for it to end so soon. I had a blast at Dover, as was expected…Bailey and I love it there! Teaching keeps me happy no matter what else is going on in my life. It’s so rewarding, not to mention it gets my mind off things…yeah, I pretty much love it! But last Monday I moved Bailey from Dover to Amherst. So now he’s farther away from me and I’ve officially left Dover and won’t be back til next summer :-(. Yeah, summer camp is over so I can't stay in Dover for free anymore, haha. And board is $1000 a month…yeah you heard me, $1000 a month cuz it’s right outside of Boston and therefore is in high demand. Boarding in the Shirley area is $700 and up...Settlement Farm is $725 a month! They’d give me a discount cuz I’ve been workin there since I was 14 but still, I don’t have that kinda money…so until I get a little barn up in the backyard, he’s staying in Amherst cuz board’s only $475/month there. I just realized this, but I with the amount of money I put into that friggin’ horse, I could rent out a pretty sweet apartment. I pay around $550 a month after shoeing him. Sometimes more. It’s scary how much money I put into Bailey!

So back to my original topic, haha…yeah, school has changed too, obviously. I’m taking a semester off, but I went to visit the end of Band Camp. It was soooo weird, granted I had a blast, but it was really strange to be there when everyone else was moving in, thinking that I should be moving in too. Like when I went to help Kayla move in, I <3 her but it was kinda eerie to be there…cuz all I could think was “I should be moving in tooooo!!!”

And Chris, we don’t even wanna go there, haha…the whole situation has gone from being good for a while to bad to worse and I just wanna forget about it all, but can’t. I suppose it’s still too soon…but yeah, so much has happened with him I could write a book, I really could. Yeah, men can skip this next sentence, haha, but I'm so frustrated with him at this point that I just wanna grab and twist! Think with your brain not with your balls for once!

But yeah, I’ve been doing things that keep me occupied and optimistic. Like looking for a teaching job, getting more hours at Settlement (mo’money!), and riding Bailey a lot…even though I really don’t have the gas money, haha. But the barn *hopefully* will be up in October, so it’s only for a month. And having Bailey in my backyard, riding the trails again, saving money because I won’t have to pay board anymore…omigod it’s gunna be ahhmazing! Yeah, you should be jealous!

It just feels like my life is completely different than what it was only a few months ago…everything’s changed and I don’t really know what to make of it all. Some good has come of it, if you look on the bright side...but I'm really not me anymore. Like, I’m always that cheery smiley kid…even when I’m having a crappy day, just cuz it can make it better. But lately I’ve just been blah…not good, not bad, just blah :-\

Wow, haven’t posted in a while! Well, I’m taking a semester off college. After a lot of confusion and going back and forth, last Friday my dean finally said that he wanted to let me back in but couldn’t because school was starting in a week and all of my classes, housing, and financial aid had been dropped a while ago. Nice. Long story short, apparently I have ADD…haha, who knew?!?! I wasn’t diagnosed til the end of May, so my freshman year grades were terrible. I’m not blaming this on the ADD, that would be ridiculous and immature, but I suppose it’s pretty difficult to succeed in college when you have an untreated learning disability that you aren't even aware of having. So I’m taking a semester off, but I’ll be back in the spring!!! I miss it so much already! Hearing about band camp and people packing makes me wanna cry, lol!

So here’s a weird thing, I’m living in Shirley, a little town in the middle of no where an hour away from Umass. One would think I wouldn’t be able to hear some of the rumors going around about Chris and I. Haha, well I guess people have really big mouths, cuzzzz I have heard some pretty insane stuff. I never really go for the drama, frankly I could be out riding Bailey instead. ;) But I heard some stuff that was pretty cruel, so I just wanted to set the record straight. I broke up with Chris a lil over a month ago. I only chose to tell two people the entire story, it’s long, detailed, intense, depressing, and honestly, most people probably couldn’t handle it. Chris did something that was pretty unforgivable. But that’s my problem and if it’s one thing I’ve learned this summer it’s that I’m pretty kick-ass in the “strong and on my own” department. I really don’t need 13 million people knowing about my personal life. 2 is plenty. Buuuut Chris told 10, which really means 12. And even though those people swore not to tell anyone, they’ve told. Otherwise I wouldn’t be hearing the things that I’m hearing! Way to be cool guys, way to be cool!!! Yeah, he told some people that he didn’t even know that well at the time, he kinda just went over, had a couple beers and spilled his guts out. But how can you trust someone that you aren’t even that close to?!?!

So there were a bunch of different rumors going around, and I’m just really sad that these people can’t come talk to me. I spent an entire year with you guys, and I went and talked to you whenever I had a problem, why can’t you do the same? You didn’t lose my number or screename…if you’re confused or wanna know something, just talk to me! As far as I know I’m notta bitch and I’m pretty easy to get along with. The only two people who were involved in this whole situation and who have the right to talk about it are Chris and I. Everyone else is supplementary. And frankly, I only want the two people who I’ve told to know the entire story. As far as Chris’ “friends,” I don’t even want them to know! They’ve already told others because the two that I’ve chosen to involve would never have done that! But let’s not back-track into talking about how people can’t be trusted. I just wanna say that if you have a question, don’t go to someone else, and don’t don’t don’t assume things and make up stories. Like, my personal fav…I didn’t come to band camp or school this semester because I was avoiding Chris. What are you?!?! If you’ve talked to me at all in the past year, then you’d know I wasn’t going back to school in the fall because of grades. And if you haven’t talked to me in the past year, than don’t talk about me now! Or that Chris left me for Maggie…ummmmm, I broke up with Chris, remember? And they’re not even going out! Chris and I still talk because I wanna be able to look him in the eye at some point. Straight from his mouth, he isn’t interested in Maggie as anything more than a friend. At all. People, grow the eff up! I’m at least a year or two younger than all of you and even I know this is ridiculous! Let’s not act like we’re still in High School…I’m so sick of people being involved that have no place or right to be involved! I’m done caring…it’s been over a month and I’ve learned to live with what happened. I’m moving on, but you have no idea how much it sucks to get caught up in it again because other people can’t stop talking. He made a big boo-boo, I broke up with him, I’m not going to school in the fall because of grades, and that’s it…leave it alone!